Most people think about Harvey when you say, “poor, poor thing.” I am looking at that phrase differently today. I am a poor, poor thing. I can’t believe my balloon is gone. Sarah Jean helped me design the world’s most excellent flying lab. Not only was it the most significant lab, but it was built with the best of intentions. The turbo thrusters were utterly carbon neutral, running on good intentions and a repository of Greta Thunberg’s self-indignation. Greta is very generous; the girl gives much more to TWS than she receives.
Sarah Jean was the engineer behind the structure, but I was one hundred percent behind the beaker storage location and the furniture positioning. Without my balance adjustments, the thing would have never left the ground. It had all the creature comforts from home, including a Totino’s pizza cooker and a Pizzaz frozen breakfast pastry cooker. I still say the Smore one was the best. Yes, Grandma Beakman, I had your photo above my workbench.
The main structure was separated into two sections, so I could better ascertain the equalization of Flutterbird vibration separated from the super-efficient turbo thruster vibrations. See, clear as mud on a rainy day in Lake Charles, LA. Speaking of mud. I used that same mud as my base for the humidity wicks. I took these little socks that were knitted for Flutterbird legs. Those tiny birds get cold at high altitudes. I took those little socks and stuck the tip into the mud and the other side over a thermometer, then I took another dry thermometer, and viola, I measured humidity. (Video coming soon- well, maybe not soon, but coming) I was amazed at how differing humidity levels affected the dampness of the lab. If the humidity numbers are higher, it feels wetter in the lab. It also felt warmer when the humidity was higher. I probably need to issue a paper on this phenomenon. Ground-breaking studies are what I am all about.
In one chamber, I had the Flutterbird eggs. As the eggs hatched, I would move the little samples into the other chamber. Then, when they reached maturity, I would release them into the wild. Did you know those little guys love Sun Flowers? I was on my third litter of birds. Is litter of birds correct? It doesn’t matter. I was on my third litter of birds when I found out I would be shot down. I freaked out! I am not one to defend myself. I am more like the crash test dummy. I require constant prevalence and monitoring. I can handle challenging situations, but I need a team to make my environment safer continually, just like those sweet guys that test the cars. I remember back in the day. I was having a drink with some of the crash test dummies. They were not very talkative, but it is better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. Anyways, I prefer to call them crash test smarties. I need to get back to the story. I was about to be shot down, so I called in Ed.
I tried Sarah Jean, but she was in a pudding and shoe emergency, so I figured Ed was my next best hope. He worries about me as one would worry about a little brother. He was on the case like the Orange Panther on an emergency in the Bronx. I had to calm him down a bit after he heard I was in trouble. He said the Flutterbirds were everywhere, and he would have to wait to take the shot. I was unaware that the area had a Flutterbird populace. That is why I was sending them out of the balloon. I told him he was mistaken, but he insisted they came from somewhere. I figured since he would wait to help me, I would send out another litter of the little experiments. To this day, I believe Flutterbirds are not native to that location. We will have to agree to disagree.
He made me wait until we were a few miles out over the Atlantic before he made the first venturi portal in the balloon. I could monitor my descent using my invention, the Beakman spiral inclinometer. I would advise him to shoot at specific locations on the balloon at certain time intervals. This was also calculated on a Beakman invention called a Beakman time spectrometer. It was going well until I remembered Ed was afraid of Jellyfish. I knew at that point I would have to step up and save the day.
Ed overcame his fears long enough to get me into the water, but at that point, he froze. I had to load all my equipment into the boat and bring us home. I could hear the fighter jets coming, so time was of the essence. I quickly knitted all the Flutterbird socks into a tarp. I died the tarp into camouflage colors and threw the tarp over ed and the boat. To save the test samples, I had to deflect the boat engine power into an incubator. Sarah Jean would have been proud. I needed the heat to save the remaining Flutterbird eggs. I then leaped into the Ocean, like Fabio on the book covers. I secured the rope in my teeth and swam, pulling the boat, Ed, and the test equipment to safety. I know there is some dispute over this, but you will have to trust me since the surveillance footage was destroyed. I would never lie to get grandma Beakmans approval. Come now; I am all about science.
You, I mean all of humanity, are in luck. The data is secure, and we are working on a video as I write this. We will be experimenting to see if we can derive RPMs from vibration. If we can, this might change the world as you know it. Vibration is the key to all things Flutterbird, and you, dear reader, know we are all about saving the Flutterbird. Saving the Flutterbird will save the planet; if I can help save the earth, then grandma will be proud. I wish you could see the single tear running down my cheek. I am a human boy!
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